Disappointment

5 years past, and now it feels like everything is coming into a full circle. The three still standing once again eating McDonalds, fridge empty, pantry empty, sleeping away most of the day staying in bed just to forget about the hunger. But this time there won’t be the nosy, judgmental, generous and considerate cluster of people giving us a month supply of casseroles dishes of frozen lasagna. Instead we receive the judgment, and nosy stares that accompany those who have adulterate and the looks of pity granted to those effect by the selfishness of the adulterer. We stay hungry. The anger doesn't go away instead it just increases with each grumble to my stomach reminding me to do something I have no power of doing. That feeling of powerlessness, but not from God instead from your so called hero, God is perfect, and selfless. He wouldn't leave us with this empty feeling in out stomachs. He wouldn't have caused it. I’m eleven again.

I have no excuse

Okay so maybe I have a few like school and my AP Exam but other then that nothing. School has past and summer has been going on for almost three weeks now and what do I have to show for it? Absolutely nothing. So I'm sorry for letting my promises down and not keeping up with this blog. I lost faith in myself but I did do one thing with my writing and that is typing up 14 pages of an revised story that I've been working on bit by bit and which hopefully I will have all the old parts of its revised by the ending of the summer.

I'm actually quite proud of myself and what I have gotten done with my story, even if its not really a lot. I had written it when I was in the 7th grade. That was the time in my life when i was basically a writing manic. I think it had something to do with the fact that I was falling for my best friend at the time, and just liking him and finding out that he liked me inspired words from me, but not just words drawing too. Ha ha it's to bad that he broke my heart; but however, at the same time that kind of helped develop my writing too while simultaneously stopping it completely. But such is life.

Revising an old story,okay this is not an easy thing to do especially since the way I write now, and the way i wrote back then stylistically is completely different. But the story had great potentially. Another hard thing about revising a story at least for me is finding the passion you had for it then and keeping it. Not letting it slip through your finger tips while you remember all the reasons why you stopped writing. The plot holes and lack of character development. For now I'm just going to revised what my 13 year old self did write and then just take it from there.

See? I haven't been completely wasting away my summer.

Day 2...kind of

What 5 websites do you visit often, and why?
1.youtube for movies, anime, music, and web shows like BlackBoxTv
2.facebook because i don't have a phone and its my only means of communication
3.google to obvious to explain
4.yahoo, i check my email everyday
5. And my school website, because i can go online and see my grades there.

same

I write like
Margaret Atwood

I Write Like by Mémoires, journal software. Analyze your writing!

The Project Day One

Everyday, and once a day im going to be doing these writing prompts to Journals. I feel like i should get into the habit of writing again before i attempt to do the creative writing essays so yeah. And yes i know it wasn't even an hour ago when i posted my update saying how i was going to start Friday, but i feel like it will be easy to squeeze in. There are about 80, so im going to start off doing one day, and when i get more comfortable or confident with my writing ill probably start doing more then one. so yeah here you go.

#1 Name something you lost or gave away that can never be replaced.

Well i can't really think of a tangible item so I'm just going to use a person. I lost my mom when I was eleven. In 12 days it will be the 5th year of her death so I have that to look forward too.
It was the perfect day, or at least close to it. The sun shined brightly in a cloudless sky, kissing my skin with its heat rays, its temperature not baking me slowly under the may sky. I was in the 5th grade and I had just gotten my CRCT scores but, and as it turned out I had the highest reading score in my class. This was more than just a accomplishment, this was a great achievement for me. I grew up struggling. Thats what I always have been and probably always be, a struggler. But i don't just struggle, I fight, and bust my ass off. Drive? I have that by the crap load because i refuse to be stopped or to give up and I will keep on trying until I get it.
So, because of my bad motor skills and among other disabilities, I was in special education. Don't get me wrong, I was in regular classes its just, I always got that little extra help. Everybody was so freaked out about me getting into high school and middle school struggling. But my she knew, she knew I would be more than alright, I would be amazing. So when I got my CRCT scores May 15, 2006, i also got cake, a banner, and balloons along with it. My mom knew her child would kicked ass when it came to school, and she was right, and she was so proud.

Along with that great moment my brother had previously that weekend won his basketball tournament for mothers day, something my mom was still smiling about. It was the perfect gift he could have given her, along with my awesome CRCT that went above anyones expectations and beat the odds.

Well after gorging ourselves on cake, my mom left along with my dad to go to my church for vacation bible school. My dad is a pastor, and my mom was heavily involved in our church, always trying to find ways to make things better. While she was driving down there she was talking on the phone with her boss, while my dad was driving talking on the phone beside her. She had just gotten an promotion for her job and then.... she died in a car accident. But she died really happy.

Thats one thing I have lost, and i can never replace. My mom, who believed and rooted me on. My guardian angel, my best friend.

So yeah this journal was very lengthy but hey thats i think is a good thing.

Yay! Update.

I have stumbled upon, the site stumble upon, which is really awesome and you should check out. So while traveling along those mystical webpages of awesomeness i have discovered a few writing activities that can help improve my writing and that i can do on here. So officially after Friday, i will start on that. I wanted to do writing activities and challenges and now i final have a way to do so, so yay! And i will be discipline and punctual and actually do it this time, unlike my last failures. So yeah... lets do this thing.

Yeah I know...

its been awhile but at the same time my life as kind of been hectic this past year with everything going on.
school, winter guard, family...
I feel so insignificant because really theres nothing special or interesting about me
not anymore anyways. I stopped writing, and drawing and dreaming all because of some stupid situation with a boy who broke my heart. What is there left? Am i just some emptying shell floating away lifeless not even truly living while air burst through my lungs.
My beating hollow heart.
Everything about me empty sad
pathetic.

Pathetic because whenever i think i have let go I get slapped in the face by my past because i keep seeking it. Why can't i moved forward with the world pacing around me, advancing while i keep retrogressing.

I miss being a cocky ass hole about everything. People might have hated me for it but wow i felt so untouchable so special and amazing. unique, new. So many naive stupid plans. But than i grew up, and lost that spark. Childhood thoughts and imaginations.
No... its not that, i'm still a kid only how i'm a scared one. Insecure like some preadolescence middle schooler. I mean dear god i'm about to be Seventeen
Isn't this suppose to be my year my shining moment before i fall into the mediocrity of a pathetic sad existence. My color is already fading. I missed my cue my spotlight. Whats a girl to do.

College? I'm taking all these hard class with no direction in my life. No plans or long term goals. Well I'm only seventeen so I'm going to stop being melodramatic.
But for the moment, my life is at a standstill and yeah i know, only i can move it forward but how?

Poem for your thoughts

I met a boy
I found him and then…
He found me
Such eyes full with anger
A heart filling slowly with hate
By each passing day
But… he was merely a boy
Not even 14 but his eyes
His rigid jaw held
The hardness of a man

I wanted to return his innocence
Soften his feature with
My tentative hands
Place a smile on those
Determinedly set lips
Find his happiness
His descending anger

But…

Then he found me
He saw my emptiness
My structure slowly cracking
And grabbed me in his arms
Before my foundations could
Completely shatter
Pinning down my sanity
My life form in his
Understanding embrace

And I fell
Fell away from my
Impending death
And into those dark eyes

But…i fell
And his arms left me
Taking the smile I had
Granted him
And my own happiness
With him.

I fell
Hollowness returning
Shell like heart
Cracking on impact

But… I found him
And he found me.

I met a boy
He saved my life
And then broke
My heart




why am I so pathetic?

The Ruins

It sad how petty little arguments can taint a memory

There is this movie out in selected movie theaters called the 5th Quater
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zqqtY6Q7v4Y&feature=player_embedded

and its base on something that happen at our school. An student name Luke, got in an accident. He played on our football team, and he was the first and only person in the history of our school to have not died being on drugs or drunk driving. In fact he had tried to get out of the car once he realize that his driver was actually reckless behind the wheel. It is because of this every football game we hold out the number 5 on our fingers, to represent and respect his death.

To be honest when i first saw the trailer of this movie, i had no idea it was talking about what happen at our school. The story did sound awfully remember but it happened when i was eleven and still in elementary school. So i didn't realize this movie was in commemoration of our Luke until i watch the trailer and i saw the distinctive "Hoya" uniform. Immediately i felt more emotional attached to the movie, i don't know why i just... did.

Well a fellow classmate in my grade posted the trailer up on Facebook, saying how happy he was the movie was finally out. Someone a grade bellow us commented on how stupid the movie look, and as you can imagine immediately emotions went high. One of my friends who i do colorguard with, reputed on how dis-respectable the comment was and the person who posted the video jumped on him with her. Of course i was stupid and posted on how i love her because what she said was true and honest. and to be truthful she basically shut him down with her comment.

But long and behold someone else joined in saying how we were all being bias and we weren't there when it happen so we shouldn't act like we fit into that little group. Not being exactly one to take comments like this well i immediately fell on the defenses saying how i wasn't acting like i was nor did i even knew him personally myself. It was a argument about respecting what the movie represented not an collectivist grief. But apparently thats how the kid interpreted this discussion. And it continue to escalate.

The poster of the trailer started to get into an argument with the commenter saying how just because he wasn't at the school doesn't mean he wasn't effected by what happen. He got counter by him saying how eleven year older wouldn't be able to comprehend death. Well i lost my mom when i was eleven so i told him that and said it was possible for someone that young to be able to understand the weight of death. He answered back with only the word "irrelevant" and than said how i was using my mom's death to make him for sorry for me... Yeah that definitely set me on the edge because i would never use her death as a tool to win in some pointless argument.

I almost cussed him out right than in there when i realize something. This whole petty conversation was ruining his memory. and honestly if a bunch of kids who wasn't close to my family at all started to argue over a commemoration of my mom it would piss me off. We were all too quick to jump on each other. I started trying to cool down the conversation saying how petty it was but it still kept going. The commenter just wouldn't let it go. And i understand where he was coming from but still the way he treated the situation was so immature. Even his last comment was arrogant.

Luke, im sorry i help taint your memory.

The End

The end of something.

Saying good bye and actually letting go of the past, of those mixed feelings that leave you feeling so F'd up inside.

Acceptance and conclusions that take forever to accompanied those bittersweet endings.

Painful engulfing memories which every good moment hurts even more than the bad ones.

But even worse, looking back then, and now at yourself and realizing all the potential lost there.

The broken dreams and naive wishes that keep us alive

realization that you have long since stopped believing in happy endings.

These are the thoughts that run constantly in my head. I am already thinking about the ending before my life has even begun to start. But i feel so trapped. I'm scared like a lost little girl running around the labyrinth, unable to find the center, the relieve and conclusion of everything. Theres only one path, yet i keep on screwing it up. I can't save myself. I'm just not that strong

not anymore anyways.

Short Story

well.... here you go.

I felt my throat tighten as his body clamped over mine, half protecting half restraining me from escaping his steel strong arms. One of his hands lays firmly over my throat to restrain the screams that have long since died steadily in my dry throat. I'm so scared, so lost in those intense stormy gray eyes that hold my mind and innocent wide eyes captive. He stares intently, as if his lost to everything that has happened, with such familiarity as if he knows me, and than the unbelievable happens, his hands leaves my mouth and are replace with his lips, searching and unsure... gentle before i began to taste the desperation on them. It fills me with even more fear as my body begins to shake under his unreasonably, but he doesn't stop kissing me, if anything it raises the desperation inside him as his lips become rougher on mine, willingly me to kiss him back... and i do wrapping my arms suddenly around him, he hesitates with surprise, but continues on, and I know, this is what his been waiting so long for. I can still hear the bullets, going off around us, but they no longer distract me. This war doest exist anymore, and they pay no attention to the supposedly lovers, lost and tangled into each others arms, filling in their lost moments with kisses and embraces.
"Eve" I hear him whisper in my ears. Is that my name? I cannot remember, and if I'm Eve... is he Adam? Was it our love that brought the destruction of this world, this Eden? I try to struggle under him but his arms just tighten around me, as his eyes began to search my face.
"please" he whispers , rubbing his forehead against mind, releasing one arm from around my waist to caress my face. His hands wipes away the moisture that had been collecting in my eyes,... was i crying? I felt so overwhelmed with emotion so new to me as the realization hits me, as the memories which my subconscious has fought so long and hard to bury back, comes rushing out... as i realize what we have done, what our love has cause. I was his Eve, and he was my Adam and it was our love that brings destruction to this world. That is why we remain untouched by the bullets showering around us. I see the gun laying a few inches away from us... the gun i had tried to kill myself with. I feel the sting of pain from the bump that had come from his body slamming me unrelentingly against the floor. His eyes tell me that he realizes i have recovered the memories which my concussion hid from me. I strain against him, my hand desperately reaching for my only relieve as his arms tighten around me as his tears began to mingle with mine, as i began to scream and claw. He slams his mouth against me, trying to repress them with his kisses, to repress the screams i know his also he also been holding back. I still try to scream at him.
"I LONG TO DIE!" but his gently kisses become rougher.
"stop" he saids trying to be strong for both of us as my sanity began to slip away from me.
"Don't" he says , his voice more forceful and demanding, but he breaks down again in my arms, and whispers me more quietly "Don't leave me." into my hair. My lips quickly find his once again and my arms cling tightly around. He loses himself with my touch, like me, trying to forget every thing that has happens. We are not closer to the gun, closer my reach as my hands grope for it our minds going crazy with grief, with shame that i know will slowly destroy us both. Its now in my hands, its touch freezing, stealing away my warmth. My lips stay press against his distractingly.... so lost.
"I love you" I say quickly, and he responds predictably, that he loves me back. I place the gun behind his head and his eyes widen with surprise but its too late. I pull the trigger quickly screaming "forgive me" all the same, still screaming as his blood splatters against my face, and even so as i pull the trigger against myself.
It was our selfish love
that had destroyed the world.

p.s yes it still needs a lot of editing, but i don't feel like doing that right now. well at least im writing again even if it is mostly crap.

Fail....

So yeah my fist attempt at writing something happy was kind of a fail. Not because of my lack of skills or ability to accumulate anything with a dose of happiness in it, but its because i didn't estimate the vast amount of homework i would be getting. So I'm sorry for the late update, and all i could pull together at the last minute was of course a cheesy short love scene between to people who don't even have names yet. Which... i honestly i wrote only five minutes ago under a minute, so its cheesy and a huge cliche and i'm sorry for failing my fist project, maybe ill try again when im not drowning in homework.


I casted my doubtful eyes upon him, filled with such wonder and under certainties.

He just laugh at me with those melting intense brown eyes. Challenging more, pushing, and plucking, and probing everything running through my mind with his intuitive gaze.

I didn't know whether i wanted to slap the all knowing gaze from his face or kiss him because he saw deeper inside me, more than anyone had before.

He made the decision for me

closing the physically space between as our mind clashed and slapped against each other. he wrap his arms around me caressing my hair gently

like a leach, his simple touch absorb all the tension out of me, and release all the poisonous thoughts that have ever enter my mind, from my soul.

My bad...

okay so i didn't exactly have the time to write something that expresses my over joyed and happy life, with pockets full of wonderful sunshine. But hey, I'm taking honors and AP classes, and i'm involve with my winter guard, which had a competition all day Saturday, so i didn't have time to get to it. But i promise by Friday of this week i will have written something obtaining one ounce of happiness. Who knows maybe i might even achieve a pound. But i think setting up little independent projects like these will be good for my writing, especially if i actually do them. Maybe ill challenge myself once a month with a new style of writing, doing something that is usually out of my comfort zone, like writing something that for once, isn't terribly depressing.

hmmm

this sounds like a pretty good idea. ha ha at least this blog will finally have a concrete purpose. Actually i think I'm really going to do this. At least once a month, challenge myself to improve my writing, or, to state it flatly, get myself out of this horrible rut I've been digging into for the past two years. Wow for once i feel like my insignificant life has some sort of purpose, even if it is a self serving one.

running away from the darkness

i beginning to believe nothing i ever write, will ever obtain one ounce of happiness. Even before my moms death, and my own downfall my writing was still dark. Its what i know i guess, darkness. Because no matter what im feeling, everything i write down creatively is usual dark or depressing.

So today i had a mental break down which i know probably is exactly surprising if you can tell by my previous messed up blogs. All that are, of course depressing. I ended up writing a poem, before i completely lost it.

for now its untitled


My soul is slowly dying
trapped in a decrepit shell
which everything is wasted
and all potential is lost

that girl
with such dark passions
is dead
caught up in the flame which
she created
destroyed by the ones
that her damage heart
embrace the most

abandon

damning herself to a life
of loneliness, hate
envy
watch her die , vanishing before your eyes
her lying smile
her fake facade
i am not okay
but you cant
save me

so yeah its the first poem that i have written for myself in a long time and its of course a sad one created by my own tears. I had to always write a conceit poem for Lit. which is basically a long metaphor that last throughout the poem. so yeah here you go...

Worn Fabric

My life is nothing more but a faded canvas
of stained cloth. Created and born out of such
a sweet tender material
only to be flung about, torn, and forgotten.
my once vibrant quilt possessing stories
of such hope filled dreams only to be abashed
by the strains of this world

i was your protection from the harshness
of this sick reality. shielding your body
against my own like a cloak
as the rain thundered around us
i kept you warn and safe
you cast me off into the soft damp earth
and left me their to sink into the ground
like a decrepit corpse

drowning me in your sorrows
staining me with your tears as i encompass you
with my soft embrace
wrapping you in my weak limp arms
as you forgot me
I am nothing more
but worn out fabric
that had seen
better
and brighter days

yeah, i think you get what i'm talking about. I received a challenge today.
I have to write a happy poem and turn it in Monday. So Monday night i will have it posted up here. This could a awesome or either a complete disaster. Oh well i guess we will just have to wait and find out.

The Beginning of Something Seemingly Disastrous

New semester
That also means new teacher classes, and students that a company them. So far, nothing looks promising. It's my first time actually taking an AP (Advance Placement) Class and its on European History. This could possibly be the hardest class in our school and yet i thought i would be able to mantle all the responsibility and precarious work that came with it.

It's only the first day of semester and I'm already behind in that class.

Go figure.

What happen to that

New Starts

It's the New Year, new beginnings new promises and old ones quickly forgotten. I Don't know how to view this one though. Each New Years for the past three years I've tried to believe, hey maybe this one will be better, maybe something will change. But with every New Year things only seem to be getting progressing worse. I want to take this New Year with a more positive attitude, to just smile and laugh more and keep clinging on to the hope that keeps slipping through my hands. I'm only 16 years old, I shouldn't be feeling this way. I shouldn't have this feeling of hopelessness seeping into my skin, my thoughts. But there's nothing i can do but keep hope that hey maybe this one will be better, Maybe something will change.

Maybe this year ill smile more.