The Project Day One

Everyday, and once a day im going to be doing these writing prompts to Journals. I feel like i should get into the habit of writing again before i attempt to do the creative writing essays so yeah. And yes i know it wasn't even an hour ago when i posted my update saying how i was going to start Friday, but i feel like it will be easy to squeeze in. There are about 80, so im going to start off doing one day, and when i get more comfortable or confident with my writing ill probably start doing more then one. so yeah here you go.

#1 Name something you lost or gave away that can never be replaced.

Well i can't really think of a tangible item so I'm just going to use a person. I lost my mom when I was eleven. In 12 days it will be the 5th year of her death so I have that to look forward too.
It was the perfect day, or at least close to it. The sun shined brightly in a cloudless sky, kissing my skin with its heat rays, its temperature not baking me slowly under the may sky. I was in the 5th grade and I had just gotten my CRCT scores but, and as it turned out I had the highest reading score in my class. This was more than just a accomplishment, this was a great achievement for me. I grew up struggling. Thats what I always have been and probably always be, a struggler. But i don't just struggle, I fight, and bust my ass off. Drive? I have that by the crap load because i refuse to be stopped or to give up and I will keep on trying until I get it.
So, because of my bad motor skills and among other disabilities, I was in special education. Don't get me wrong, I was in regular classes its just, I always got that little extra help. Everybody was so freaked out about me getting into high school and middle school struggling. But my she knew, she knew I would be more than alright, I would be amazing. So when I got my CRCT scores May 15, 2006, i also got cake, a banner, and balloons along with it. My mom knew her child would kicked ass when it came to school, and she was right, and she was so proud.

Along with that great moment my brother had previously that weekend won his basketball tournament for mothers day, something my mom was still smiling about. It was the perfect gift he could have given her, along with my awesome CRCT that went above anyones expectations and beat the odds.

Well after gorging ourselves on cake, my mom left along with my dad to go to my church for vacation bible school. My dad is a pastor, and my mom was heavily involved in our church, always trying to find ways to make things better. While she was driving down there she was talking on the phone with her boss, while my dad was driving talking on the phone beside her. She had just gotten an promotion for her job and then.... she died in a car accident. But she died really happy.

Thats one thing I have lost, and i can never replace. My mom, who believed and rooted me on. My guardian angel, my best friend.

So yeah this journal was very lengthy but hey thats i think is a good thing.

Yeah I know...

its been awhile but at the same time my life as kind of been hectic this past year with everything going on.
school, winter guard, family...
I feel so insignificant because really theres nothing special or interesting about me
not anymore anyways. I stopped writing, and drawing and dreaming all because of some stupid situation with a boy who broke my heart. What is there left? Am i just some emptying shell floating away lifeless not even truly living while air burst through my lungs.
My beating hollow heart.
Everything about me empty sad
pathetic.

Pathetic because whenever i think i have let go I get slapped in the face by my past because i keep seeking it. Why can't i moved forward with the world pacing around me, advancing while i keep retrogressing.

I miss being a cocky ass hole about everything. People might have hated me for it but wow i felt so untouchable so special and amazing. unique, new. So many naive stupid plans. But than i grew up, and lost that spark. Childhood thoughts and imaginations.
No... its not that, i'm still a kid only how i'm a scared one. Insecure like some preadolescence middle schooler. I mean dear god i'm about to be Seventeen
Isn't this suppose to be my year my shining moment before i fall into the mediocrity of a pathetic sad existence. My color is already fading. I missed my cue my spotlight. Whats a girl to do.

College? I'm taking all these hard class with no direction in my life. No plans or long term goals. Well I'm only seventeen so I'm going to stop being melodramatic.
But for the moment, my life is at a standstill and yeah i know, only i can move it forward but how?

Poem for your thoughts

I met a boy
I found him and then…
He found me
Such eyes full with anger
A heart filling slowly with hate
By each passing day
But… he was merely a boy
Not even 14 but his eyes
His rigid jaw held
The hardness of a man

I wanted to return his innocence
Soften his feature with
My tentative hands
Place a smile on those
Determinedly set lips
Find his happiness
His descending anger

But…

Then he found me
He saw my emptiness
My structure slowly cracking
And grabbed me in his arms
Before my foundations could
Completely shatter
Pinning down my sanity
My life form in his
Understanding embrace

And I fell
Fell away from my
Impending death
And into those dark eyes

But…i fell
And his arms left me
Taking the smile I had
Granted him
And my own happiness
With him.

I fell
Hollowness returning
Shell like heart
Cracking on impact

But… I found him
And he found me.

I met a boy
He saved my life
And then broke
My heart




why am I so pathetic?