I have no excuse

Okay so maybe I have a few like school and my AP Exam but other then that nothing. School has past and summer has been going on for almost three weeks now and what do I have to show for it? Absolutely nothing. So I'm sorry for letting my promises down and not keeping up with this blog. I lost faith in myself but I did do one thing with my writing and that is typing up 14 pages of an revised story that I've been working on bit by bit and which hopefully I will have all the old parts of its revised by the ending of the summer.

I'm actually quite proud of myself and what I have gotten done with my story, even if its not really a lot. I had written it when I was in the 7th grade. That was the time in my life when i was basically a writing manic. I think it had something to do with the fact that I was falling for my best friend at the time, and just liking him and finding out that he liked me inspired words from me, but not just words drawing too. Ha ha it's to bad that he broke my heart; but however, at the same time that kind of helped develop my writing too while simultaneously stopping it completely. But such is life.

Revising an old story,okay this is not an easy thing to do especially since the way I write now, and the way i wrote back then stylistically is completely different. But the story had great potentially. Another hard thing about revising a story at least for me is finding the passion you had for it then and keeping it. Not letting it slip through your finger tips while you remember all the reasons why you stopped writing. The plot holes and lack of character development. For now I'm just going to revised what my 13 year old self did write and then just take it from there.

See? I haven't been completely wasting away my summer.

Yeah I know...

its been awhile but at the same time my life as kind of been hectic this past year with everything going on.
school, winter guard, family...
I feel so insignificant because really theres nothing special or interesting about me
not anymore anyways. I stopped writing, and drawing and dreaming all because of some stupid situation with a boy who broke my heart. What is there left? Am i just some emptying shell floating away lifeless not even truly living while air burst through my lungs.
My beating hollow heart.
Everything about me empty sad
pathetic.

Pathetic because whenever i think i have let go I get slapped in the face by my past because i keep seeking it. Why can't i moved forward with the world pacing around me, advancing while i keep retrogressing.

I miss being a cocky ass hole about everything. People might have hated me for it but wow i felt so untouchable so special and amazing. unique, new. So many naive stupid plans. But than i grew up, and lost that spark. Childhood thoughts and imaginations.
No... its not that, i'm still a kid only how i'm a scared one. Insecure like some preadolescence middle schooler. I mean dear god i'm about to be Seventeen
Isn't this suppose to be my year my shining moment before i fall into the mediocrity of a pathetic sad existence. My color is already fading. I missed my cue my spotlight. Whats a girl to do.

College? I'm taking all these hard class with no direction in my life. No plans or long term goals. Well I'm only seventeen so I'm going to stop being melodramatic.
But for the moment, my life is at a standstill and yeah i know, only i can move it forward but how?

Poem for your thoughts

I met a boy
I found him and then…
He found me
Such eyes full with anger
A heart filling slowly with hate
By each passing day
But… he was merely a boy
Not even 14 but his eyes
His rigid jaw held
The hardness of a man

I wanted to return his innocence
Soften his feature with
My tentative hands
Place a smile on those
Determinedly set lips
Find his happiness
His descending anger

But…

Then he found me
He saw my emptiness
My structure slowly cracking
And grabbed me in his arms
Before my foundations could
Completely shatter
Pinning down my sanity
My life form in his
Understanding embrace

And I fell
Fell away from my
Impending death
And into those dark eyes

But…i fell
And his arms left me
Taking the smile I had
Granted him
And my own happiness
With him.

I fell
Hollowness returning
Shell like heart
Cracking on impact

But… I found him
And he found me.

I met a boy
He saved my life
And then broke
My heart




why am I so pathetic?