Here we are again

Well doesn't this all feel familiar. I guess this is the place where I put up pointless resolutions and make promises that I'll only end up not keeping. Say how from here on out I'll write more and finally get over the sadness that's been clinging onto my skin for the past what? 6 years of my life. Yeah i could do that, but then again I would only be lying to myself so whats the point really of any of this?

Well there I go, being all depressed and broody all over again, just like last year. But I've gotten to the point where I'm too worn out and tried to give a damn and I can feel an apathetic nature starting to take over my heart. Hell I'm only 17 so what the hell do I have to be so tired for, i can hear those older then me saying, as if I have no right to be already exhausted from life.

Is it really my fault that my childhood got snatch away from me at a young age? Is it my fault that every adult in my life, people I'm suppose to look up to and honor has abandon me and force the mantle of adulthood upon my shoulders while they flocked away like careless teenagers? I never got to hold on to 16.

God here it comes the big 18, soon I'll be a legal adult and childhood will be gone for good.

I really don't know what to expect next year or that if things will get better; I've been praying for that for years. So I'm just going to try to take each day slowly and fight to get my faith back, fight for my childhood before it finally leaves me.

But...

I'm so tired and all of those things sound so nice but they've been said too many times with no results, with only more disappointment, but if I don't believe I guess that will finally be the end of me. I'll just be another soul barely even existing. God please help me because if i try to do this on my own I'm only going to fail once more.

So here we go again.
'

Disappointment

5 years past, and now it feels like everything is coming into a full circle. The three still standing once again eating McDonalds, fridge empty, pantry empty, sleeping away most of the day staying in bed just to forget about the hunger. But this time there won’t be the nosy, judgmental, generous and considerate cluster of people giving us a month supply of casseroles dishes of frozen lasagna. Instead we receive the judgment, and nosy stares that accompany those who have adulterate and the looks of pity granted to those effect by the selfishness of the adulterer. We stay hungry. The anger doesn't go away instead it just increases with each grumble to my stomach reminding me to do something I have no power of doing. That feeling of powerlessness, but not from God instead from your so called hero, God is perfect, and selfless. He wouldn't leave us with this empty feeling in out stomachs. He wouldn't have caused it. I’m eleven again.

Yeah I know...

its been awhile but at the same time my life as kind of been hectic this past year with everything going on.
school, winter guard, family...
I feel so insignificant because really theres nothing special or interesting about me
not anymore anyways. I stopped writing, and drawing and dreaming all because of some stupid situation with a boy who broke my heart. What is there left? Am i just some emptying shell floating away lifeless not even truly living while air burst through my lungs.
My beating hollow heart.
Everything about me empty sad
pathetic.

Pathetic because whenever i think i have let go I get slapped in the face by my past because i keep seeking it. Why can't i moved forward with the world pacing around me, advancing while i keep retrogressing.

I miss being a cocky ass hole about everything. People might have hated me for it but wow i felt so untouchable so special and amazing. unique, new. So many naive stupid plans. But than i grew up, and lost that spark. Childhood thoughts and imaginations.
No... its not that, i'm still a kid only how i'm a scared one. Insecure like some preadolescence middle schooler. I mean dear god i'm about to be Seventeen
Isn't this suppose to be my year my shining moment before i fall into the mediocrity of a pathetic sad existence. My color is already fading. I missed my cue my spotlight. Whats a girl to do.

College? I'm taking all these hard class with no direction in my life. No plans or long term goals. Well I'm only seventeen so I'm going to stop being melodramatic.
But for the moment, my life is at a standstill and yeah i know, only i can move it forward but how?

Poem for your thoughts

I met a boy
I found him and then…
He found me
Such eyes full with anger
A heart filling slowly with hate
By each passing day
But… he was merely a boy
Not even 14 but his eyes
His rigid jaw held
The hardness of a man

I wanted to return his innocence
Soften his feature with
My tentative hands
Place a smile on those
Determinedly set lips
Find his happiness
His descending anger

But…

Then he found me
He saw my emptiness
My structure slowly cracking
And grabbed me in his arms
Before my foundations could
Completely shatter
Pinning down my sanity
My life form in his
Understanding embrace

And I fell
Fell away from my
Impending death
And into those dark eyes

But…i fell
And his arms left me
Taking the smile I had
Granted him
And my own happiness
With him.

I fell
Hollowness returning
Shell like heart
Cracking on impact

But… I found him
And he found me.

I met a boy
He saved my life
And then broke
My heart




why am I so pathetic?